the good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: Might get a new car on saturday so I can go down and see my husband one last time before I start work in september.

The bad: I forgot our 1st wedding anniversary on the 3rd of July.

The ugly: My tooth really hurts and I only have enough money for either a car or tooth surgery.  So I chose the car and I'll just deal with the pain.

Oh and Nova's almost crawling.

Blessings,
Una

The entities in my astral house

So when I moved out on my own into my own apartment. It was beautiful!  My house was a resting place that spirits went to to be rejuvenated.  There were fairies, ghosts, elves, other elementals and rarely a goddess or god stopped by.  Everything was so luminesce and bright.  There was always activity and it was so easy to be positive in there and even easier to become positive after a negative day.

In my new house.  My husband couldn't stand my fairies so he obliterated them.  The elves annoy him but at least he respects them.  So I find myself yet again trying to compromise the bodiless beings that I love for an embodied one.  My only idea is a dragon cave to invite dragons.  I'm running out of beings that will be near me because of his disrupting chaotic energy.  Seeing as there ARE chaos dragons this is hopefully a solid investment.

The only other opinion I have on it is maybe it's time for me to move to a higher being.  Start dealing with the goddesses and gods instead of their minions.  But this is where I'm well traveled and feel safe.  Then again, no faith grew by safety.  Dragons are in themselves gateway keepers and hopefully they will be the transition and open the door to where I really need to go.

Una

Moving

I'm a slow paced person.   I don't really need a lot of excitement in my life.  My husband though, being my polar opposite thrives on drama and excitement.  It's really conflicting.  But an area we both equally long for being easy and non dramatic is moving.

I've been slowly moving my stuff down to my husband and I's house for a year now.  I still have stuff to move down there.  I find myself yet again going down there with a truckload of stuff so that there is less to move when I finally get my immigration accepted.  I just wonder how long this is really going to take?

Every load I take down also reminds me that if I get rejected from immigration.  The work involved in moving it all back. If there's anything worse than moving, it's moving back.

Una

are people praying me out of pagan?

I spent all morning yesterday studying for a norse pagan holiday calendar for next year.  I celebrate celtic and norse holidays and alternate them on a yearly basis. I had a dream about someone I went to school with who is very christian.  She took the information I found and prayed over it and turned them into christian holidays. "These are what you should be focussing on." Is what she said in the dream.

Somehow I have the feeling that people are being very specific in their prayers for me.  I LOVE getting prayed for.  Positive thought combined with a spiritual power is almost unstoppable in this realm.  Yet, specific prayer from people who think they know what's best for the person I don't think is appropriate.  Which is why you normally ask for God's will to be done when you pray and not your own.

I'm not against being christian.  If I feel the drive to go back there I will of course follow it.  But right now my calling seems to be pagan.  Celebrating the earth in the ways done in the olden days.  I feel more grounded and connected through these means.

From being christian I understand the need and attention to spend on saving souls and praying.  So I empathize with their plight.  Yet it's frustrating being road blocked on your path from people. Being road blocked from God is fine but people?  Breaking down someone's spirit so they believe the way you do?  I don't think that any religion would want that deep down in it's core.

Una

I can't believe it, my life is still the same!

On the twelfth my daughter celebrated her half birthday.  She was officially 6 months old.  I couldn't help but realize that my life hasn't changed at all.  I'm still exactly where I would be if she wasn't here.  I am completely aware she did not come into my life just to change it.  She had her own reasons.  I'm just in awe that I'm still dealing with the same relationship problems, the same inner conflicts, and the ever annoying mind-numbing depression. 

Of course being a mother means that I'm happy.  Just not all the time. It means that every now and then I have someone that can make me instantly happy.  A quick fix.  Then there's all the self-loathing for knowing you weren't able to cure these things before you got...well anything.  Before the pregnancy, before the relationship, before the job.  Before I even started defining myself as a human being instead of just a slave to ideals, objects and people.

I just don't understand why I can't do it.  Everyone who I talk to says the exact same thing.  Just change, just do it.  As if it was as simple as unwrapping a muffin to enjoy. Then they tell me that if I really wanted to be better I'd already be started with this.  THIS! What is THIS? 

It's instinctual to better yourself.  Whether for the sake of your spirit or your survival it doesn't matter.  The desire to live up to the potential and ultimate being that you think is the end-all be-all to be. It doesn't make any sense.  There's no manual on how to fix the human spirit.  There's no code to regard upon programming and thought processes.  The worst is you can't turn it off.  You either have to be in an exhaustive battle every second of the day to try and undo the damage or get lethargic and mourn over not being able to do it. 

I have no help, no sympathy, and no ability to relate this to anyone who is getting frustrated with me for being this way.  I'm used to being lonely, just not alone and helpless.

Una